We Need to Talk: Why Difficult Conversations Are Worth It
Why We Avoid Crucial Conversations
As purpose-driven leaders, transparency matters deeply. Yet even we sometimes avoid the conversations that most need to happen. Teams might talk about everything but the real issues, driven by fears: losing control, harming relationships, or making things worse. In surveys, over 80% of employees admit they’re refraining from at least one crucial work conversation they know they need to have, with about a 25% delaying for more than six months. Why? The top reasons include lack of confidence, and worry that speaking up may cause more harm than good.
Difficult conversations trigger uncertainty. Adam Kahane, collaboration expert, notes that “fear is the clue to why this is difficult”: we carry anxiety about conflict, being misunderstood, or betraying what matters most to us—sometimes our very values. Many hope that unresolved issues will fade by themselves, or stay quiet out of not knowing how to proceed.
Avoidance has many faces. Some stay silent in meetings, some vent sideways to unrelated colleagues. Others rationalize silence as professionalism or kindness. However, more than half of those who stay silent say they feel inauthentic by not speaking up. The cost of this avoidance is more than just lost honesty—it’s a sacrifice of authenticity for the illusion of peace.
The Cost of Avoidance
Avoiding crucial conversations rarely preserves harmony. Unspoken problems fester, trust erodes, and solutions get shaky when built atop silence. Research from workplace studies finds that avoidance often amplifies stress: over a third of people sidestep the topic repeatedly, and about 1 in 10 have actually left a job to dodge uncomfortable discussions. Patterns like passive aggression, negative politicking, and mistrust can arise—damaging both relationships and team culture.
There is a personal price too. Persistent silence chips away at integrity: we become distanced from our authentic selves, masking our true concerns and giving up freedom for comfort. Over time, we risk trading genuine leadership for approval or safety.
Why Hard Conversations Matter
The benefits of facing difficult conversations are transformative. In organizations, those who handle challenging topics candidly and respectfully solve more problems and preserve their relationships—they’re frequently seen as top performers and trusted leaders. Teams committed to honest dialogue cultivate trust and psychological safety over time, while avoidance breeds distrust.
Peter Senge, in The Fifth Discipline, calls genuine dialogue “the free and creative exploration of complex and subtle issues, a deep listening to one another and suspending of one’s views.” The goal isn’t to win, but to understand and move forward together. When real dialogue happens, new possibilities and true solutions emerge.
Authentic leadership is about having these conversations in ways aligned with core values. The Lead True leadership model, for example, emphasizes integrity in every action and every dialogue. Candor coupled with empathy sets the foundation for trustworthy leadership and real organizational change.
Finding Courage: From Fear to Integrity
How do we find this courage? It begins with inner work—recognizing and managing our fears. Models like YodTum (a proprietary coaching framework) help leaders articulate the core value behind their deepest desire, and the fear that blocks it. For example, if trust is a core value, fear of breaking trust might drive avoidance. But that very strategy, aimed at protection, often undermines what we value most.
Bringing these patterns into awareness allows leaders to act from values instead of unconscious fears, restoring authenticity and effectiveness.
Practices grounded in emotional intelligence also help. Daniel Goleman describes EI as feeling and channeling emotions productively, not as avoidance. Naming one’s feelings and expanding capacity to experience emotions, rather than suppressing them, supports presence in tough discussions.
Prepare and Approach: Best Practices for Crucial Conversations
Effective frameworks blend research and experience:
• Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg): Focus on separating observation from evaluation, expressing feelings and needs clearly, and making requests instead of demands.
• Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al.): Share facts rather than conclusions, make conversations psychologically safe (“making it safe”), and use “I” statements.
Recommended steps:
• Lead with empathy: Make clear your commitment to the relationship and mutual goals.
• Stick to concrete facts and describe impacts; avoid labels or blame.
• Use “I” statements and tentative language to show humility.
• Listen curiously and actively; invite the other person’s perspective.
• Focus on shared needs and collaborative solutions; make clear and specific agreements.
Remember, compassion means addressing hard truths with warmth. Tone and body language matter: calm, clear, and respectful delivery goes a long way.
Checklist: Do’s and Don’ts
Do:
• Address issues directly, in private and person-to-person.
• Assume positive intent; approach as a curious partner, not adversary.
• Be specific and factual; avoid loaded generalizations.
• Listen and ask questions, inviting the other viewpoint.
• Collaborate on solutions, not just problems.
Don’t:
• Procrastinate endlessly; timing matters, but delaying increases risk.
• Start when emotionally unprepared; reflect first.
• Blame, criticize, or use absolutes (“always/never”).
• Assume total correctness; remain open to dialogue.
• Skip follow-up after commitments; accountability sustains results.
Conclusion: It’s Time to Lead True
Difficult conversations will always be challenging. There are no scripts to guarantee an easy path. But leaders committed to truth and growth must stop avoiding the talks that shape teams and culture. Courage is risky, but preparation, intention, and compassion can shift outcomes for the better.
Authentic leadership is built on honesty. When leaders face the real issues with candor and care, they lay the foundations of trust, freedom, and genuine success—both for their organizations and themselves.
Let’s step up and lead true—one courageous conversation at a time.
Sources & References
1. Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (VitalSmarts).
2. Kahane, A. (2010). Power and Love: A Theory and Practice of Social Change.
3. Senge, P. (1990/2006). The Fifth Discipline: The Art & Practice of the Learning Organization.
4. Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
5. Crucial Conversations “Workplace Communication Surveys”, VitalSmarts (2009–2013).
6. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ.
7. Stanny, S. & B. (Lead True Model), Tiara International LLC.
8. YodTum Model (Yolanda Dol). Proprietary coaching
About the Author
Lead True Global Leader Andrea Henning’s vision is that when people discover their authenticity and dare to follow their bliss they are happier and more successful in their lives while serving as an inspiration to their communities.
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