By Peg Rowe and Elizabeth Ruske

Do you think you are ready for a mentor, yet feel a little overwhelmed or intimidated about finding one? Have you tried establishing mentoring relationships before that have gone nowhere?

This article will help you avoid the common mistakes people make when looking for their perfect mentor, putting you on your path to success.

But before we get to those mistakes, first we want to make sure you are ready to find your perfect mentor.

Are you ready to find a mentor?

You know you are ready when you have clear, simple, easy-to-share answers to these questions:

What is your next career goal or professional interest?
What are your current strengths? How have you succeeded so far?
In what areas do you want to grow and develop? Why?
Why do you want a mentor in general?
Why do you want this particular mentor?

Once you have succinct, inspiring answers to those questions, you are ready for success. In order to reach that success, avoid these 5 common mistakes.

Mistake 1: You make an Ineffective Invitation

There are several pitfalls to avoid when asking someone to serve as your mentor, with the most basic mistake being not to ask at all! Your career and leadership development is your priority, so you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to establishing successful mentoring relationships, and you need to make the request. It is rare that someone will ask to mentor you out of the blue.

When you have connected with someone who you see as a potential mentor, your invitation will be most successful when you follow these tips:

Share who you are, your career goals, and why you admire their career.
Set a clear timeline boundary.
Suggest a manageable frequency and meeting structure.
Assure them that you will take care of logistic details.
Give them time to consider the invitation and say yes, say no, or suggest a counter-proposal.
Provide them something in return.

Here is an example of a typical unclear request that does not follow the guidelines above:

I love your work! Will you be my mentor?

Although your enthusiasm shows through, the potential mentor has no idea what you are really asking. Below are examples of how to make a clear request, which will make it easier for your potential mentor to respond positively.

Example 1: Request A Mentoring Conversation
“I have been following your work as a lawyer, and I respect what you’ve done for [insert particular cases]. Your work is in line with the direction I want to take my career. In particular, I’d like to [insert your career goal and timeline].
I know you are very busy, yet I’m wondering if you might have time to share your career path with me and answer some questions I have about my own. I can handle all the logistics for you, and I’m open to meeting via video or phone conference to make it easy.
May I work with your assistant to schedule a conversation sometime in the next month?”

Example 2: Request a Mentoring Relationship
“I admire how you have launched and grown your business, and I’ve been following your success. As I start my business, I see you as a role model. One of the best practices I hear time and time again is that I should establish mentoring relationships with people I admire, and whenever I hear that, you come to mind.
I know you’re busy, which I respect. In my ideal world, I would love to schedule 1 45-minute conversation with you a month over the next 6 months. This can be in person or via video/phone, whatever you find easiest. I will manage all the details and come with my list of questions.
I would be very grateful for your time and perspective, and if there’s something I can offer you in return I would be happy to do so.
Are you willing to be my mentor in this way? If yes, fantastic! If no, are there any adjustments we can make to the idea so it will work for you?
I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you. If I don’t hear back, I will check back in at the beginning of next month.
Thank you!”

Mistake 2: You have Unclear or Unreasonable Expectations of the Relationship.

Once you have a “yes” it’s important to set clear, reasonable expectations with your mentor. Even if it feels a bit awkward or formal, it is extremely useful to send a simple list of expectations in advance and discuss them during your first conversation together. Typical items to include are:

Our conversations will be kept in confidence.
We will respect each other’s time by starting and ending meetings as scheduled.
If a meeting needs to be rescheduled, we will aim to do that 24 hours in advance.
The mentee is the one who will set the agenda and send topics in advance.
There may be times when personal information is shared as it impacts career and professional goals.
We will schedule meetings X frequency for Y length of time. During our last planned session we will either complete or choose together to continue.

Mistake 3. You Resist Making A Genuine, Personal Connection.

We have seen both mentees and mentors try to impress each other by appearing smart, secure, confident, and put together beyond what is true for them in that moment. Whenever we put on a facade, it prevents establishing a genuine connection and the opportunity to learn.

Additionally, we know that all successful leaders have had to make both personal and professional choices along their path. Willingness for both mentors and mentees to share about the full range of leadership decisions they’ve made and the impact they’ve had on their careers, their families, their health, and their fulfillment is important and welcome.

When this is missing, often true learning is missing. Also, without personal connection or context, the conversations can feel transactional instead of developmental.

The importance of being vulnerable together is why it’s important to establish the expectation of confidentiality as stated above.

Mistake 4: You misunderstood the Role of the Mentor.

Another common downfall is expecting the mentors to drive the mentoring relationship. We have seen some young mentees make the request and receive a “yes”, then wait. They wait for the mentor to schedule the meeting, plan the agenda, and reach out to them proactively.

This always leads to failure. Your career development is your priority, not your mentor's priority. They are generously making themselves available to you; it’s your role to make it easy for them to show up, connect, and provide wisdom.

It is also not your mentor’s job to find you a new job. If that is your intention, then you are not looking for a mentoring relationship; you are networking for opportunities. Always be clear on expectations and intentions.

We believe very strongly that the most successful mentoring relationships are mentee-driven, which means that the mentee:

Schedules the meetings
Provides the topics in advance
Follows up with appreciation and acknowledgement
Manages the timeline
Makes any adjustments needed along the way
Completes the relationship powerfully when it’s complete

Mistake 5: You are Messy with the Logistics.

Finally, a very basic reason a mentoring relationship might fail is because the logistics fail. Examples include:

There’s not a calendar invitation sent with all the pertinent details.
You don’t plan the agenda to give the dialogue focus or purpose.
Meetings are often rescheduled or they are moved at the last minute.
Technology like call-in numbers or video conference links don’t work.

If it’s too hard and unrewarding to make the connection, it won’t be worth the effort, and the relationship will dwindle, and eventually disappear.

About The Authors

Elizabeth Ruske brings all aspects of her background and expertise to her work. This includes marketing, sales, business development, client services, strategic partnering, coaching, consulting and leadership development. She is known as a creative strategic thinker who embodies a win-win approach in every situation … read more.

Through her business experience, Peg Rowe brings knowledge, wisdom and unique perspective on building high performance teams, creating a collaborative culture, developing leaders and delivering exceptional results. She works seamlessly with all levels of management, across groups or in one-on-one settings … read more.

5 Reasons Why Individual Mentoring Relationships Fail